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  #21  
Old 05-11-2009, 10:43 AM
AyanEva AyanEva is offline
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Originally Posted by The Saint View Post
For those of you who, like me, are bothered by the insane plot holes and (unacceptably) bad science, here's your chance to rewrite the scenes featuring them.

Think you could have done Star Trek better? I do. And I'm willing to put my keyboard where my mouth is. (Ugh, tastes like chicken!)

Here's Spock's mind-meld monologue, rewritten:

Spock: "Romulus's sun was dying. The newly re-formed Senate consulted their best minds -- they could conceive of no solution other than evacuation. But the Romulans are a proud people. Many, too many, refused to leave their homeworld to be scattered across colonies. I felt for them, Jim. I wanted to help them. With a team of their world's best scientists, I devised a device that we hoped would accelerate the reactions within their sun, to... rekindle its fire, to use a metaphor. We... succeeded. The star's reactions accelerated out of control. Within a week, the solar activity had wreaked havoc on the atmosphere of Romulus. The tides rose. Volcanic and seismic activity tore the surface of the planet apart. Your God is said to have created a planet in six days. Jim... I destroyed one in seven. And now I must pay."

Wordy, but not much more so than the original.
I have to admit that I quite like that! For me, the mindmeld scene, while much better upon a second viewing, was the clunkiest part of the film. If we're doing AU still (and I like the AU, so I'd prefer to keep it), we'd still need to work in time travel somehow.

I can't write fiction (give me a research paper and I've got it covered), so I'll just tell you what I would rewrite and a brief description of how/why.

If I had to change anything, the one thing I would definitely do is come up with something better than red matter. It's just random and sounds like someone came up with it off the top of their head, which they probably did. Everone knows what dark matter is (or has vaguely heard of it), but since we don't know exactly what it's comprised of or what you can do with it when manipulated in certain ways, they totally could have just called it dark matter and it would have been far less cheesy than red matter. And why did he have so much red matter if you only needed a drop to do the trick?

So even if we had to keep the somewhat clunky mind-meld monologue, I would have simply changed the words "red matter" to "dark matter" and said something about how a superdense concentration of dark matter injected into/near the sun would create a singularity blah blah blah and be done with it. We'll conveniently ignore how exactly one would go about storing and transporting the dark matter.
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  #22  
Old 05-11-2009, 12:02 PM
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Scribbler Scribbler is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Saint View Post
For those of you who, like me, are bothered by the insane plot holes and (unacceptably) bad science, here's your chance to rewrite the scenes featuring them.

Think you could have done Star Trek better? I do. And I'm willing to put my keyboard where my mouth is. (Ugh, tastes like chicken!)

Here's Spock's mind-meld monologue, rewritten:

Spock: "Romulus's sun was dying. The newly re-formed Senate consulted their best minds -- they could conceive of no solution other than evacuation. But the Romulans are a proud people. Many, too many, refused to leave their homeworld to be scattered across colonies. I felt for them, Jim. I wanted to help them. With a team of their world's best scientists, I devised a device that we hoped would accelerate the reactions within their sun, to... rekindle its fire, to use a metaphor. We... succeeded. The star's reactions accelerated out of control. Within a week, the solar activity had wreaked havoc on the atmosphere of Romulus. The tides rose. Volcanic and seismic activity tore the surface of the planet apart. Your God is said to have created a planet in six days. Jim... I destroyed one in seven. And now I must pay."

Wordy, but not much more so than the original.
I like it. Much more believable than the original and it makes the disaster very solidly Spock's fault. I like the new movie very much but some of the mistakes in the writing would have been so easy to correct - and without slowing the pace.
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  #23  
Old 05-11-2009, 12:12 PM
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MigueldaRican MigueldaRican is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Saint View Post
For those of you who, like me, are bothered by the insane plot holes and (unacceptably) bad science, here's your chance to rewrite the scenes featuring them.

Think you could have done Star Trek better? I do. And I'm willing to put my keyboard where my mouth is. (Ugh, tastes like chicken!)

Here's Spock's mind-meld monologue, rewritten:

Spock: "Romulus's sun was dying. The newly re-formed Senate consulted their best minds -- they could conceive of no solution other than evacuation. But the Romulans are a proud people. Many, too many, refused to leave their homeworld to be scattered across colonies. I felt for them, Jim. I wanted to help them. With a team of their world's best scientists, I devised a device that we hoped would accelerate the reactions within their sun, to... rekindle its fire, to use a metaphor. We... succeeded. The star's reactions accelerated out of control. Within a week, the solar activity had wreaked havoc on the atmosphere of Romulus. The tides rose. Volcanic and seismic activity tore the surface of the planet apart. Your God is said to have created a planet in six days. Jim... I destroyed one in seven. And now I must pay."

Wordy, but not much more so than the original.
No not that wordy. The movie version was only slightly smaller. Your version would have been more acceptable. Or at least had they gone with putting the explanation that was in the comic.

A cut scene where Spock says, "The Vulcan Senate may have denied you but I will do what I can to help."
Nero, "Fine, but if you fail, I will hold your people responsible."
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  #24  
Old 05-11-2009, 12:14 PM
Magnum Magnum is offline
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This is the first few lines from my version of Star Trek 11.

"Captains Log, Stardate 51098.3 the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-E is responding to a possiable Borg sighting in the Mutaria sector, the ship is on Battle Stations all Weapons energized."

of course its not the Borg its the Andromedians from the Andromedia galaxy and we have a inter galactic war.

I can Pretend that Paramount has fired Abrams and hired me before the script was approved, I take one look at Abrams final script and toss it in the trash and get Meyer to write one about a war with the Andromedians from the Andromeda Galaxy.
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  #25  
Old 05-11-2009, 12:56 PM
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MigueldaRican MigueldaRican is offline
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Originally Posted by Magnum View Post
This is the first few lines from my version of Star Trek 11.

"Captains Log, Stardate 51098.3 the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-E is responding to a possiable Borg sighting in the Mutaria sector, the ship is on Battle Stations all Weapons energized."

of course its not the Borg its the Andromedians from the Andromedia galaxy and we have a inter galactic war.

I can Pretend that Paramount has fired Abrams and hired me before the script was approved, I take one look at Abrams final script and toss it in the trash and get Meyer to write one about a war with the Andromedians from the Andromeda Galaxy.
War... Again you would be bashed by other Trekkies who said Trek is not about war. See. Here is proof, you cannot please everyone. But looking at the reception even from cynical Trekkies who've had a change of heart, it looks like Abrams managed to please most. So... *shrugs* sorry.
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  #26  
Old 05-11-2009, 01:01 PM
Samuel Samuel is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by The Saint View Post
For those of you who, like me, are bothered by the insane plot holes and (unacceptably) bad science, here's your chance to rewrite the scenes featuring them.
200 years ago doctors thought using leeches would cure disease. Who knows... 200 years from now scientists will probably think the ones of today are crackpots and wonder how they got things so wrong.
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  #27  
Old 05-11-2009, 01:01 PM
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Originally Posted by JSnyder4 View Post
The only really bad plot hole I saw was the Narada sitting around for 25 years in the Klingon Neutral Zone seemingly unattended by either side.

I can perfectly accept that Nero would utterly refuse to budge from the area until Spock arrived since he's just that committed... no problem there. It's the Klingons and the rather numbnutty prison planet angle that bothers me, even though it only has a brief mention in the film.

I can see the Klingons unable to destroy the Narada (enough screen evidence for that so no problem) and placing a "watch guard" of those 47 ships on Narada. All is silent for 25 years until Spock appears and then all hell breaks loose. Spock is captured and the Klingon watrchforce decimated as the Narada comes to life after 25 years and heads off to Vulcan to give Spock an afternoon's entertainment.

To me, that makes far more sense than Nero captured and rescued by contrivance either directly before or directly after Spock arrives.
I mean seriously, wtf?
Yeah, the scene got cut, but any way you slice it the plot hole of 25 years, patiently waiting for Spock and the Klingon Neutral Zone are still present.
You would've thought if Nero had of had 25 years to cool down from what happened, that he would have been more interested in saving Romulus.
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  #28  
Old 05-11-2009, 01:23 PM
Magnum Magnum is offline
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Originally Posted by MigueldaRican View Post
War... Again you would be bashed by other Trekkies who said Trek is not about war. See. Here is proof, you cannot please everyone. But looking at the reception even from cynical Trekkies who've had a change of heart, it looks like Abrams managed to please most. So... *shrugs* sorry.
Actually if you go on other sites you will find the opposition to him rather high.
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  #29  
Old 05-11-2009, 02:15 PM
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Scribbler Scribbler is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magnum View Post
This is the first few lines from my version of Star Trek 11.

"Captains Log, Stardate 51098.3 the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-E is responding to a possiable Borg sighting in the Mutaria sector, the ship is on Battle Stations all Weapons energized."

of course its not the Borg its the Andromedians from the Andromedia galaxy and we have a inter galactic war.

I can Pretend that Paramount has fired Abrams and hired me before the script was approved, I take one look at Abrams final script and toss it in the trash and get Meyer to write one about a war with the Andromedians from the Andromeda Galaxy.
The thing about your one sentence is that it's pure amateur technobabble. It's exactly this sort of thing that makes Star Trek so dry for most people to watch. You can pretend that you've been hired because you don't know how hard it is to actually write a script which actually engages an audience. Making something from scratch is much harder than just nitpicking. I didn't say this to Saint but I think he might agree (maybe) that making the whole thing from the ground up is much much harder than writing a line of fan dialgue and patting yourself on the back after.
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  #30  
Old 05-11-2009, 02:19 PM
Kataan Kataan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Magnum View Post
This is the first few lines from my version of Star Trek 11.

"Captains Log, Stardate 51098.3 the USS Enterprise NCC-1701-E is responding to a possiable Borg sighting in the Mutaria sector, the ship is on Battle Stations all Weapons energized."

of course its not the Borg its the Andromedians from the Andromedia galaxy and we have a inter galactic war.

I can Pretend that Paramount has fired Abrams and hired me before the script was approved, I take one look at Abrams final script and toss it in the trash and get Meyer to write one about a war with the Andromedians from the Andromeda Galaxy.

Magnum, that would indeed be a cool story to explore, I have always wondered why the didn't do something with that storyline by now.

Talk about action, that one would surely have enough to make us all happy, and low and behold we would still hold to canon history, imagine that!
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