The Official Star Trek Movie Forum

The Official Star Trek Movie Forum > Star Trek > Off Topic Discussions > help
Register FAQ Members List Calendar Search Today's Posts Mark Forums Read

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 11-09-2008, 03:40 PM
Mattieau's Avatar
Mattieau Mattieau is offline
Lieutenant
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The great south Aussie Land
Posts: 291
Default help

Okay everybody, for class i need to right an extended story of a minimum of 800 words, i haven't seen anyone elses so im not sure how mine will fare. I'll post it here and if anyone could give me some feedback within the next hour or so i would be extremely grateful.

Story:

Chapter one: Introductions



Tobias swung his fist and smashed into someone’s ribs with a sickening crunch. He stumbled backwards and fell backwards off the table he was standing on. He wasn’t usually a person that would participate in a bar-room brawl but someone made various comments about his beard and someone’s mother and he was a little drunk and hadn’t left the tavern in three days. He needed some excitement. He crawled under the table and saw a pansy looking elf standing on top trying to look victorious, Tobias thrust his legs upwards and the table went flying and smashed into a wall. The pansy elf fell backwards and was almost immediately unconscious. Tobias jumped to his feet and spear-tackled a half-orc who was furiously punching a Halfling. The Halfling jumped to his feet and ran and hid under a table, flipped on its side against a wall. Tobias ran towards the table, broke off a table leg and swung it with all his might into the ribs of the oncoming orc. The orc cried out in pain as the bones in his chest shattered into little tiny pieces. Tobias was about to smash the orc again when he realised everyone had stopped fighting. A thin man in dark clothes and a cloak walked into the tavern.


“So it appears you’re not a completely incompetent person Mr Stormhammer, perhaps there was some merit in me coming here after all…” said the man in black. He was thin but there was an aura of power about him, something just made him seem like a swing from Tobias’s great hammer wouldn’t even faze him. “Tobias Stormhammer, I am here to put a proposition to you. You will accept, fulfil the requirements of the proposition and then be paid.” The man said matter-of-factly.


Tobias chuckled to himself. “And what makes you think that any of that’s gonna happen, to me you just look like another rich pansy who doesn’t want to get ‘is fingers dirty,” Tobias said and many grunts of agreement were heard around the bar.


“You will do what I say for one reason and one reason only. For the fact that I am Tan’dar Amollien, Dark necromancer of the north-east,” gasps of shock and horror were heard throughout the building, “and I can destroy you with a single flick of my finger.” For added effect Tan’dar pointed his finger at the recovering half-orc and clicked. Suddenly the orc cried out in pain, his rib’s which were healing suddenly exploded out of his chest and formed into a small bony creature about two feet tall with a bony head plate and scything claws. “That, Tobias, is the Nex ruina obscurum, the epitome of death, darkness and destruction,” Tan’dar said grimly “And I can create another one with a single thought just by thinking about one bursting from your chest.”


Tobias shuddered; he’d heard of the dark necromancer but had hoped he’d never have to see him. Finally Tobias spoke. “Fine, what is your proposition?”


Tan’dar laughed cruelly. “My proposition is this, you must go to the pass of Katakan and destroy the tribe of mountain trolls and ice trolls. Sound easy enough for you?” If Tobias didn’t accept then he’d just be another corpse for his undead horde and Tan’dar would find another ‘hero’ to do what he asked.


Tobias dropped his head with a sigh. “Fine I’ll do it, just don’t turn me into one of those…. things!” Tobias clenched his fists angrily; this man had just come into his bar, killed a regular customer there and now threatened to kill him unless he did what Tan’dar said. This was not a fair proposition but Tobias knew it had to be done. Granted he knew some people that would help him with this. Alessandra the elf would most likely journey with him to defeat these vile creatures and her natural ability with the art of magic would come in extreme handy. Jinks the Halfling could help out, for the right price, and his skills with locks and traps and hiding could help them scout out the mountain areas. Tal the fierce, though some would call him a very normal person he was far from it. With the blood of both daemonic creatures and angelic ones, he had natural powers others only dream of. His angelic side would wish to defeat the trolls for the good of everyone but his daemonic side would want to destroy them for fun. So that made four of them. Four people journey out to the mountains, but would four return?














Chapter two: Betrayal



Tobias fell over for the fourth time this hour. The snow was freezing his legs and yet his feet were unwilling to move. Alessandra seemed to walk on top of the snow, probably a spell of some sort. Jinks was light enough to just walk on top of the snow and ice, but himself and Tal were much too heavy and they walked heavily through the ice. Tobias sent up a prayer to his god Endar and was granted extra abilities from him, he felt more protected and somehow he didn’t feel the cold as much as he did before, he still felt the cold but it was like feeling a cool breeze but nothing more than that. Tobias gripped his hammer in both hands; the journey so far had been too quiet for his liking. If they were sent to destroy trolls, then where were the trolls?



“Graak, outsiders coming up snowy cliff. We kills them now!?” said a blue snow troll.


“No, we crush ‘em to deaf first!” said a huge mountain troll.


“You are both wrong,” spoke a man from the shadows, “Surround them and tie them up, then crush them into a pulp,” he explained “If they are tied up then they won’t be able to hurt you.”


“Who you that speak fancy?” asked a snow troll


The man smiled with a grin of evilness and malice, “I, am no-one.” He said and disappeared.










To be continued:
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 11-09-2008, 03:41 PM
Mattieau's Avatar
Mattieau Mattieau is offline
Lieutenant
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The great south Aussie Land
Posts: 291
Default

Chapter three: Extinction


The four heroes trekked up the mountain til they reached the pass of Katakan; The Mountains were even quieter up here than before. The silence gave off a feeling of being watched and an even stronger feeling of silent destruction.


“The trolls should be around here,” Tobias said, “I can see their makeshift camp just there.” It didn’t feel right. Trolls were vicious and bloodthirsty; if they knew that they were here then the trolls would have rushed down to kill them.


*************************************


“Okay, tie ‘dem up ‘den kill them to bits.” Yelled the head troll


“Who care ‘bout tieing up!? Kill ‘dem!!!!” screamed another. Yells of agreement were heard around the area. The horde grabbed steel and iron swords and axes and charged out of their hidden encampment above their old camp.


Alessandra looked up and was the first to see the horde. “The trolls, there’s thousands of them!!!!” She screamed loudly, she could handle a few trolls with her magic but she didn’t have enough power to destroy five hundred thousand trolls. The necromancer said there was only one tribe!


Frenzied the trolls began laughing and screaming as they charged the group, the group was doomed and the trolls knew it.


The group turned and ran, sprinting as fast they could. First down was Alessandra, though powerful her light armour did nothing to protect her from the troll throwing knives. Second down was Tal, his armour provided better protection than anyone else’s but slowed him down more than anyone. Third down was Jinks he ran faster than anyone else but his taunting the trolls angered them and they focussed on him. Last to be taken down, Tobias turned and stood resolute. He readied his hammer and when the trolls arrived he went down fighting taking many of them with him.





Chapter four: Salvation


Tobias fell heavily, the goblins went to his friends and began ripping them up, Tobias shuddered in disgust, and though he was bleeding heavily he struggled and rolled onto his back He looked in the sky and there he saw it, Salvation. Four hundred elven wizards, witches and warlocks, flinging magical fireballs and lightning bolts at the trolls from magical griffons, pulling off the trolls heads. His death now meant nothing, for the tribes of trolls were being destroyed. The man in black stood over him.


“Foolish dwarf, did you ever think that this wasn’t as it seemed. Your doom is now foolish mortal.” He said and pointed his finger at Tobias’s chest. A feeling of darkness welled up within him as the creature was about to burst forth. Tobias brought his strength up inside him and roared a roar of pure rage. Tobias grew into a huge form of himself and he charged Tan’dar. A burning revenge struck down the necromancer and his plague upon the land was destroyed. After killing Tan’dar the rage in Tobias disappeared. He shrunk back down to normal size and collapsed to his knees. He was finally succumbing to his injuries, dying in battle, the way a dwarf should.


A man in white stood above Tobias and stuck out his hand. “My name’s Shane West, I’m here to help.” said the man. Tobias grabbed his hand, and fell into unconsciousness.

Thanks for reading.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 11-09-2008, 05:12 PM
jerhanner's Avatar
jerhanner jerhanner is offline
Vice Admiral
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Deep in the 100 Acre Wood
Posts: 3,905
Default

Not bad. A few punctuation things that Word should catch, but otherwise a good story!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 11-09-2008, 05:14 PM
jerhanner's Avatar
jerhanner jerhanner is offline
Vice Admiral
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Deep in the 100 Acre Wood
Posts: 3,905
Default

I can't help myself; I used to edit at an on-line story place and just can't help sticking in semi-colons.

Tobias fell heavily. The goblins went to his friends and began ripping them up. Tobias shuddered in disgust; though he was bleeding heavily he struggled and rolled onto his back. He looked in the sky and there he saw it: salvation. Four hundred elven wizards, witches and warlocks, flinging magical fireballs and lightning bolts at the trolls from magical griffons, pulling off the trolls heads. His death now meant nothing, for the tribes of trolls were being destroyed. The man in black stood over him.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 11-09-2008, 05:25 PM
Mattieau's Avatar
Mattieau Mattieau is offline
Lieutenant
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The great south Aussie Land
Posts: 291
Default

Thanks for the feedback jerhanner, just hope my english teacher agrees with you.
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 11-09-2008, 06:49 PM
vuedoc's Avatar
vuedoc vuedoc is offline
Captain
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New York City
Posts: 1,931
Default

I just hope your teacher doesn't recomend a psychiatric profile on you for your violent work of art. Personally, I love this stuff and you'd get full marks for creative thinking from me.
__________________
"Stop it? I'm counting on it."
"But not because you threaten me. I'll pay you because... it's my pleasure."
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 11-09-2008, 08:00 PM
Mattieau's Avatar
Mattieau Mattieau is offline
Lieutenant
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The great south Aussie Land
Posts: 291
Default

i added a fifth chapter to the end as well. The teacher chaged the due date to tomorrow so i may have time to add a sixth. And yes a lot of my writing work is violent, though i got an A on some writing i did that was about a huge battle in a valley and the valley filled with blood. so i dont think teachers mind that much. Once i've finished it entirely i'll post it on here again.

I just really like my chapter names:

Introduction
Betrayal
Extinction
Salvation
and i plan on the fifth chapter being titled "Retribution"

Such great names arent they?
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 11-09-2008, 09:06 PM
jerhanner's Avatar
jerhanner jerhanner is offline
Vice Admiral
 
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Deep in the 100 Acre Wood
Posts: 3,905
Default

I miss writing for school. Enjoy it while it lasts!
__________________
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 11-09-2008, 10:00 PM
vuedoc's Avatar
vuedoc vuedoc is offline
Captain
 
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: New York City
Posts: 1,931
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jerhanner View Post
I miss writing for school. Enjoy it while it lasts!

Hey, if he keeps it up, he may get paid for it someday.
__________________
"Stop it? I'm counting on it."
"But not because you threaten me. I'll pay you because... it's my pleasure."
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 11-09-2008, 10:17 PM
Mattieau's Avatar
Mattieau Mattieau is offline
Lieutenant
 
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The great south Aussie Land
Posts: 291
Default

i might do the same thing as the saint one day. either that or i could become the next matthew Reilly
__________________
Reply With Quote
Reply


Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

vB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Forum Jump


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 03:57 PM.


Forum theme courtesy of Mark Lambert
Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.6.8
Copyright ©2000 - 2014, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.
Copyright © 2009 by Paramount Pictures. STAR TREK and all related
marks and logos are trademarks of CBS Studios Inc. All Rights Reserved.