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Old 11-06-2008, 04:25 AM
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Default For those with a sense of Humour

PS: Only for those who have a good sense of humour (NOT humor*)!


PROCLOMATION

To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II.

In light of your immediate failure to financially manage yourselves and also in recent years to elect incompetent Presidents of the USA therefore not be able to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated sometime next year to determine whether any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:


1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').

Similarly, the letters "ph" will be reintroduced in words like "sulphur".

2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u'' and the elimination of '-ize.'

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.


4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,then you're not ready to shoot grouse.

5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real potato chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as Australia is pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There are only three kinds of proper football; one you call soccer, Australian Rules and rugby (dominated by the Australians). Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the Australians (again World dominators) first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

God Save the Queen!

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Old 11-06-2008, 05:12 AM
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Thats funny.
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Old 11-06-2008, 11:18 AM
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All hail australia man
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Old 11-06-2008, 11:46 AM
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The Queen of England runs England??
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Old 11-06-2008, 01:06 PM
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Lmmfao!!!!
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Old 11-06-2008, 01:08 PM
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haha. That was utterly hilarious. I'll have to post that on my Myspace or something.
XD
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Old 11-06-2008, 01:18 PM
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My dad got that as an email recently. I could not stop laughing - in agreement!
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Old 11-07-2008, 12:53 PM
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Can we keep our dental plans? No offense of course.
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Old 11-07-2008, 03:19 PM
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Heh. That letter's a classic, but still pretty neat - and it's gained a bit more relevance, in light of the recent financial kerfuffle.
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Old 11-07-2008, 04:11 PM
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Retort from President Bush

Mr.Brown,

We have a saying here in Texas. "Fool me once...shame on...you? Fool me...uh...we can't be fooled again".

We the United States counter with the following demands,

1) You will brush your teeth. Then we will consider giving English actors more work.

2) You will continue sending all of your top talent to America.

3) British musicians are to stop stealing the work of Black American Blues artists. We also expect back tariffs on all of the shameless theft of American music and art over the last 100 years.

4) We're replacing the British cross on your flag with a McDonald's logo.

5) You must sell the BBC to Rupert Murdoch.
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