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  #11  
Old 10-10-2008, 05:25 PM
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Then there was this guy who walked into a bar and orders a beer and sits down. Straightaway as he's handed his beer by the bartender, a monkey climbs down off the bar and pisses in his beer. The man is outraged. He stands up and demands to know who owns the monkey. The bartender points toward the piano player, and the man walks over and asks the piano player, "Do you know your monkey just pissed in my beer?", and the piano player says, "No, but if you hum a few bars for me i can fake it.".
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  #12  
Old 10-10-2008, 08:59 PM
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Default The barber

A priest walks into a barbershop for a haircut, after which he asks the barber how much money he owes. The barber look at the priest and thinks "I can't charge a priest money for this." He says "Look, Father, you're a religious man, I am not, but I respect you for your devotion as a man of the cloth, so I really don't feel comfortable taking money from you for something I do every day, so let's just forget the bill." The priest thanks him and walks out. The next morning, the barber finds mysteriously appearing on his front doorstep 12 gold coins.

The next day, a Buddist monk comes in for a shave and a shine. The barber says to him, "Brother, you are such a spiritual man and a source of inspiration amongst your followers. Please, no money." The monk thanks him and leaves, and the next morning the barber finds mysteriously appearing on his doorstep 12 red rubies.

A few days later, a Rabbi comes in for a haircut, after which the barber says, "Rabbi, I have such esteem for your eminence as a scholar and religious leader amongst your people. This is on the house." The Rabbi thanks him and leaves.

And the next morning, mysteriously appearing on the barber's doorstep are 12 Rabbis.
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  #13  
Old 10-11-2008, 09:43 AM
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A man walks into a bar with an ape in his arms. "I just bought this fella as a pet," he explained. "We have no children, so he's going to live with us, just like one of the family. He'll eat at our table, even sleep in the bed with me and the wife." "But what about the smell?" the bartender asked. "Oh, he'll just have to get used to it, the same way I did."
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  #14  
Old 10-11-2008, 10:02 AM
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This is pushing the envelope, and I apologize to those offended ahead of time...

This zoo acquires a very rare species of gorilla. They are very excited about the new animal so they set up a special exhibit with it's own special habitat and they make a really big deal of it all. After 2 weeks, the gorilla is just sitting on a log with its thumb in its mouth looking sad and doing nothing. The zookeepers are alarmed. "People don't want to see this. They're not going to spend money to see this. We've got to find out what's wrong." So they hire an animal psychologist to assess the gorilla. The psychologist examines the gorilla and then tells the zookeepers "Look, she's depressed. She's lonely. She's the only one of her kind here and she needs company. She needs a mate. You're just gonna have to find another one."

"Another one?? It took us 8 years just to find this one! It's gonna be impossible." So they think, and one of the zookeepers comes up with an idea. "Let's put an ad in the paper 'WANTED: man with red hair... big chest... $5000.' In this town, someone's gonna go for it."

Sure enough, after two weeks, this Polish construction worker come to the zoo holding the newspaper... "Hey I saw your ad: '...Man with red hair...big chest...$5000...' What's up?" So one of the zookeepers starts to describe the situation, "Look, we've got this female gorilla who's lonely and we need someone to... be with her and... keep her happy..." The other zookeeper is going "He's never gonna do it..." But the construction worker says "No, no wait a minute... I'm still interested. OK, I'll do it, but I've got 3 conditions... 1) no kissing on the lips... 2) the kids have to raised Catholic... and 3)...just give me a couple of weeks to raise the money.
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  #15  
Old 10-12-2008, 09:17 PM
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Default The Texan

A Texas businessman is visiting Tokyo, Japan. He arrives early before his scheduled meetings so he decides to obtain an escort and go out to see the city. He knows no Japanese and she speaks very little English, but that doesn't stop them from enjoying each other's company and before the night is over, they wind up back in his hotel room. Later on, while in bed in the throngs of passion, she begins to scream out "Gamma su! Gamma su! GAMMA SU!" The Texan assumes that she must really be enjoying herself.

In the morning, they part ways and he goes off to his meetings. As it turns out, he and the Japanese wind up reaching an agreement early, so they decide to enjoy an afternoon of golf to celebrate their new association. On one of the holes, one of the Japanese businessmen sinks his shot right off the fairway. Immediately, they all become excited and start jumping up and down. Wanting to impress his new foreign partners, the Texan smiles and starts to yell "Gamma su! Gamma su! GAMMA SU!" The Japanese men cease their jubilation and look at each other, alternating stares at the Texan and down the fairway. The Texan is worried now and wonders what he said! Finally, one of the Japanese men walks over to him and says "'Wr...wrong hole?' What you mean, 'Wrong hole'?"
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  #16  
Old 10-13-2008, 06:44 AM
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How can u contract aids in a rest room?
if u seat before the other stands

and here's a good one

why women are faking orgasms?
cause they think we care!!!!!!!!!!
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  #17  
Old 10-13-2008, 10:55 AM
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Rude, crude, and funny (again, let me know if I offend):

Q: Why can't a lesbian wear makeup and be on a diet at the same time?

A: Because you can't have Mary Kay on your face while you're eating Jenny Craig.
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  #18  
Old 10-13-2008, 11:06 AM
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Two Leprechauns are coming back from a very (VERY) northern vacation. On their return trip, they're having a wee bit of an argument, and apparently the only way to settle this argument is to resolve it at a convent.

So the leprechaun who thought he was right waited outside the gates, whilst the leprechaun who bore the argument goes inside to speak with Mother Superior.

"Beggin' yer pardon, Mother Superior," the wee one begins, "but, would ye' be knowin' o' any nuns our size in this convent?"

After a moment's thought, Mother Superior replies, "No, I'm afraid not."

"Would ye' be knowin' o' any nuns our size in the next convent?" the leprechaun pursues.

Another long moment's thought, and Mother Superior replies: "No, no one comes to mind."

A final push: "Would ye' be knowin' o' any nuns our size in any convent in the religion, Mother Superior?"

After tasking herself for another moment, Mother Superior answers: "No, I'm sorry. I'm afraid I can think o' no one."

Tipping his hat, the leprechaun smiles vindictively, and says: "T'ank ye', Mother Superior, and may ye' be in Heaven half an hour 'fore the devil knows ye're dead." He then goes outside to his patiently waiting companion. "I told ye', me bucko, ye' foo-ked a penguin."

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  #19  
Old 10-13-2008, 11:09 AM
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On the subject of nuns...

*A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I
hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'**
*The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked,
Sister, have you seen a soldier?'*
*The nun replied, 'He went that way.'*
*After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt
and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go
back to Iraq .'*
*The nun said, 'I understand completely.'*
*The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair
of legs!'*
*The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have
seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go back to Iraq either**
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  #20  
Old 10-14-2008, 04:51 PM
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One of my patients told me that the Stock Market crisis was worse than a divorce. He said he'd lost half his net worth and still had a wife.
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