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  #1  
Old 10-03-2008, 05:56 AM
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Default anekdote thread

4 guys in a rehab center are in a circle to discuss their progress

the first speaks in the group:
i am john and i am away from crack 2 days now
the group offers a well done john

the second
i am jack and i am away from crack 3 days now
the group offers a well done jack

the third
i am mary and i am away from crack 4 days now
the group offers a well done mary

and the forth my name is robert and i have in my pocket 80 kilograms

and the group screams YIPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!


How you can make a woman scream after sex?
If you clean your *self* using her window curtains

How can you drawn a man?
If you stick a dirty magazine at the bottom of the pool

What it takes for a man to change his toilet paper?
dont know,he will never have to


A man gets in a hurry inside his house and tells his wife
Honey i am hot today,lets have some sex
she graps him and drop him on bed,but he stops her and say to her
wait i have an idea,lets go in the park and do it for a change
she smiles to him, grab him and head to the park
During the act(in the park)a policeman catche's them
and tell the husband,you're being fined for public harrasment
here's the fine for u 30$ and for the madam 100$
the husband:why my wife 100$ the policeman:she was here yesterday sir


whats the difference between a toast and a toilet paper?
the toast is brown both ways
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Last edited by jtrek79 : 10-03-2008 at 06:11 AM.
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Old 10-03-2008, 06:51 AM
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How are The Force and Duct Tape similar?

THey both a lightside and darkside and bind the galaxy together.
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Old 10-03-2008, 08:15 PM
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A mother skunk gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.

One day In was out, so she aked Out,"Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in, I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In, he is out so go out find In and bring him in."

"What?" said Out.

"In's out, so Out go out find In and bring him In, I've been looking for ages and can't find In, I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."

So Out goes out to look for his brother In, and within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow, and his mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"

"Instinct." (In stinked? Ha!)
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Old 10-03-2008, 10:40 PM
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How many elves does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Only two, that's all that will fit in a light bulb.
*
And then there was the world's most perfect man.
He searched the world far and wide to find the world's most perfect woman to be his perfect bride.
But alas, every woman he took out on a date had at least one fatal flaw.
Then he met a man with the three most beautiful daughters he had ever seen.
He took the man aside and said, "I am the world's most perfect man, and I seek the most perfect woman in the world to be my perfect bride." The man said "All my daughters are perfect, take them out and see for yourself." So the world's most perfect man took the three daughters out on a date one by one. He brought the first daughter back to her father and told him: "I'm sorry sir, she isn't perfect, her mouth is off center, just a little bit, but not that you would notice. But I am the world's most perfect man, and i have found her flaw.". Then he took out the second daughter, and again brought her back to her father saying: "I'm sorry sir, she isn't perfect, her nose is off center, just a little bit, but not that you would notice. But I am the world's most perfect man, and I have found her flaw. Then lastly, he took out the third daughter, and brought her back rejoicing saying: "Sir, she is absolutely perfect, i am the world's most perfect man, and I can find no fault with her. You may call the parson, we shall be wed this very evening!"
After the ceremony, the groom approached the father and asked: "Tell me the truth sir, for I am the world's most perfect man, and I know that no woman can truly ever be perfect, she must have some flaw, she must. You must tell me what it is?". The father told him: "Well, she's pregnant, just a little bit, but not that you would notice...."
*
A young preacher was preaching his first funeral, but alas, on his way to the gravesite, he took a wrong turn in his car and became lost on a side road. He turned around to go back down to find the right road, knowing that he was late and the funeral would be over when got there. He saw a group of diggers off one side of the road and since this was the only funeral this day, he reasoned he was in the right place and that the procession had already gone. He approached the diggers and said: "Boys, I know I'm too late, but I've got a job to do and I intend to do it!". The young minister began to preach, he preached his heart and soul out, and before too long, the diggers were shouting "Amen!", "Hallelujah!" and "Praise The Lord!" , then when the young preacher finished, he picked up a handful of dirt and threw it into the grave and walked away. After the preacher drove away, one of the diggers turned to the others and said. "Boys, I've been putting in these septic tanks for fifteen years, and I've never seen anything like that happen before."
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Old 10-10-2008, 11:59 AM
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So it seems this penguin was driving through a small town when his car broke down. It was towed to the local garage where the mechanic said he'd be glad to look at it but it might take a few hours. The penguin said OK and headed into town to look around. He went to the local supermarket where he bought some fish sticks for lunch and vanilla ice-cream for dessert, and then hung out in the frozen food section until it was time to go back to check on his car.

Upon seeing the penguin return, the mechanic came out, and while wiping his hands on a rag told the penguin, "It looks like you blew a seal."

The penguin blushed, and wiping his mouth said, "Oh no, it's just ice cream."
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Old 10-10-2008, 01:15 PM
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vuedoc, thats funny! I'll have to tell my wife that one!
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Old 10-10-2008, 01:41 PM
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If you like animal jokes, there's the one about the koala bear and the prostitute... but I'm not sure if I can tell it here. Are descriptions of sexual acts forbidden here even if no dirty words are used?
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Old 10-10-2008, 01:48 PM
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The world's greatest womanizer never had a problem getting a girl to come home with him (a different one every night he went out).

So he goes out to the local lounge one night, and eyes a real beauty. He approaches her after noticing she is alone, and pours her a glass of wine. After charming her with his sophisto-speak, he takes her home, prepares an elegant meal, and brings out some Absinthe. The fireplace was burning at just the right heat and intensity. And then, as he holds her in his arms, he says: "My dear, you have a beauty that makes time stand still." Swooning, she had sex with him.

The next night, he goes out again, and picks up a different, still stunningly beautiful girl with the same ease with which he had picked up the first (and others before then). He approaches her after noticing she is alone, and pours her a glass of wine. After charming her with his sophisto-speak, he takes her home, prepares an elegant meal, and brings out some Absinthe. The fireplace was burning at just the right heat and intensity. And then, as he holds her in his arms, he says: "My dear, you have a beauty that makes time stand still." Swooning, she too (as so many before her) had sex with him.

The night after that, the man gets just a little tipsy whilst he was out. His judgment slightly impaired, he still manages to pick up a looker of a girl, and offers her a beer, which she takes gratefully. His talk isn't quite as sophisticated as it usually is with his potential conquests, but somehow, the girl is still intrigued. After a few beers, and a couple of dirty jokes, the pair somehow manage to get safely back to the man's house. He grabs her another beer to entertain her while he damn near nukes the usually elegant dinner, and pours two mugs full of Absinthe. The fire in the fireplace was barely up to life, so he threw some lighter fluid on it, and FWOOF!-- the flame nearly consumed them both, but either hardly noticed. Then came the time for the man to say his usual hook-line, and he actually forgot what it was he would say exactly. So he figures he'll wing it. "My dear, you've got a face that'll stop a clock!"
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Old 10-10-2008, 02:35 PM
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Very cute.

OK, I'm gonna go for it. I've never been in trouble on the board before but there has to be a first time for everything...

This koala bar meets a prostitute and they both go back to her apartment for some fun. The koala bear winds up going down on the prostitute for about 2 hours and she is having multiple orgasms and everything. Right afterward, the koala gets out of bed and starts getting dressed. Still out of breath, the prostitute says "Wow, that was amazing. But now you have to pay me." The koala just looks at her and keeps getting dressed. She says "No I mean it, fork over the money." The koala just shrugs and continues dressing. The prostitute jumps out of bed, grabs a dictionary from her desk, turns to 'prostitute' and shows it to the koala bear. He reads: 'prostitute: someone who has sex for money.' The koala takes the dictionary, turns some pages, hands it back to the prostitute, and walks out. She reads: 'Koala bear: eats bushes and leaves.'
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Old 10-10-2008, 04:35 PM
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LMAO!!!!! Good one, Vue!
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