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Old 05-26-2009, 09:48 PM
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Drakonnen Drakonnen is offline
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Default The BEST Star Trek movie rant parody ever?

Saw this floating around and had to post it for the hilarity of it given what I've been reading from some people:

What a Travesty! A Complete Slap in the Face to REAL Fans!

This ripoff of a travesty of a movie begins with explosions for the ADD crowd when the Enterprise, commanded by a Vulcan who SWEARS, blatantly disregards the Neutral Zone (a point agonized over by Kirk with much discussion involving Starfleet Headquarters in Balance of Terror - which he decides against) and gets into a fight with a bunch of Klingon warships that HAPPEN to be in the area.

Every time the ship is hit, consoles inexplicably shoot sparks into the faces of their operators (yeah, great spaceship design there - MORONS), and stuff falls from the ceiling. Seriously, who designs these ships?

The main characters on the bridge (including McCoy, who just happens to be there in case someone breaks a nail or something, I guess) all die of sparks to the face (seriously, I've done a lot of metal grinding and welding and have NEVER ONCE died from sparks being sprayed in my face!) before the "captain" decides to abandon ship. Abandon ship why? And how? You're in the Neutral Zone. You'd think the Klingons would just shoot down the lifeboats, I dunno, somewhat more EASILY than they just shot down the Enterprise?

But wait! Suddenly the bridge cracks open and some vents come on, and it was just a joke! The original crew members were just playing games, and it was all a TEST! Decorated Starfleet officers have been reduced to the disgrace of playing dead in a simulation. What a TRAVESTY.

Admiral Kirk is for some reason suddenly morose about getting old, as if he hadn't been getting old for the past ten years. The REAL Kirk would never whine to Spock and McCoy about his feelings. And suddenly he's all into antiques? That was never mentioned in the Original Series. Way to make up a ham-fisted metaphor about a guy depressed about being old and surrounding himself with ancient, anachronistic junk! Then McCoy brings over some illegal booze and they ham their way through solving the world's problems. Kirk isn't happy "flying a goddam computer console?" Everyone has computers in the 2000s, and every business runs on them. Certainly in the 2200s everywhere you go things will be operated by computers. Or are these men who made a career out of service on a technologically advanced, COMPUTER-driven STARSHIP suddenly belong to a secret society of Luddites? Don't even get me started on "wanna be out there hopping galaxies." Hopping galaxies? Jesus, did the IDIOT who wrote this movie ever WATCH a Star Trek episode before this TRASH? The Enterprise explores a very small portion of our OWN galaxy. It's definitely never been to another galaxy, let alone "hopped" galaxies (in the plural).

In the meantime, we get some nonsense on a space station that's a blatant ripoff of Frankenstein, with some scientists playing God by creating life from nothing. Of course, this also requires a lot of ADD explosions, because we all know you can't create life without MASSIVE explosions.

So they have their own pet starship, which is like the Enterprise, but with the nacelles on the bottom and no engineering hull. Yet the readouts on the ship's bridge show the status of its engineering hull. And the ship doesn't even have a deflector dish! DID ANYONE WHO MADE THIS TRAIN WRECK EVEN PAY ATTENTION?

They're looking for a planet without any life on it at all so they can shoot it with this torpedo thing, create a huge explosion that consumes the planet in fire (kids love lots of explosions and fire), and suddenly make a planet people can live on. They've been looking for 6 months. Maybe they should have started closer to home, because there are, I dunno, 7 planets and countless moons in OUR OWN SOLAR SYSTEM that would have qualified. Surely it couldn't have been THAT HARD to find a planet without life.

The Reliant (you know, the ship that looks like the Enterprise on its own readouts, but doesn't look like the Enterprise on the outside) FINALLY finds such a planet, and beams down. Except, oops, it's Ceti Alpha Five, not Ceti Alpha Six, like they thought. Dammit, I guess no one on the ship (not even their goddam computer consoles) could count. And, wonder of wonders, the first planet in the galaxy they find without ANY life on it just HAPPENS to have Khan from the Original Series living on it. Man, what a coincidence. Khan even recognizes Chekov, WHO WASN'T EVEN ON THE FRIGGIN SHOW DURING THE FIRST SEASON WHEN SPACE SEED AIRED!!!!

Khan sticks some worm things in their ears, because that always makes ME want to tell a psychopathic maniac what he wants to know, then somehow hijacks the Reliant so he can kill Kirk. Talk about obsessive compulsive. The guy waited around for 15 years so he can hijack a spaceship and kill Kirk, who let him live after the last time he tried to kill him. What kind of friggin motivation is that? Oh, I tried to take over your ship and you caught me, so now I'm going to kill you for it! Did they hire high school kids to write this crap? They even "cleverly" show a copy of Moby Dick on a shelf in Khan's house so we know they're about to rip off Moby Dick too. Brilliant!

For some reason never really explained, Khan decides to make a pit stop at the space station and kill the scientists there, probably because he wants their torpedo to blow stuff up good. The Enterprise is, for some unknown reason, the "only ship in the quadrant," so they have to staff it with cadets and go see what's wrong at the space station.

The Enterprise runs into Khan, who proceeds to shoot up the Enterprise real good (yeah, more EXPLOSIONS!!!), but then decides he wants to talk to Kirk for a while before he finishes him off. This allows Kirk to use a plot hole... er, plot device... to use the Enterprise's computers to lower Reliant's shields. He needs a magic code to do this, because its apparently been done so many times Starfleet decided they needed to encrypt their sensitive military systems. Man, too bad no one thought of this technique in "The Ultimate Computer," when the Enterprise went haywire and destroyed three other ships. Would have really come in handy to just automatically lower its shields and disarm it. But I guess at some point you have to stop looking at the TOTAL DISREGARD for canon, continuity, and common sense in the writing of a movie.

Using this trick, Kirk defeats the Reliant, but, wouldn't you guess it, lets Khan go again, probably hoping it will be another 15 years before he comes back for revenge again. The Enterprise goes to the space station, where it turns out all the scientists weren't killed after all. On the space station, Kirk meets a son he's known about all this time, but never seen before. Wait a second, you mean in almost 20 years of Star Trek, no one, I dunno, ever thought it might be worthwhile to mention THE MAIN CHARACTER HAD A KID??? Another slap in the face to the true fans who kept this franchise alive in the 1970s. And, get this, it was KIRK'S KID who made the torpedo thing that creates planets out of explosions. Way to go, son! And talk about another major coincidence. Amateur night continues in the writing department.

Then we get a bunch more explosions, this time inside a nebula. Finally, after all of his consoles have sprayed sparks all over his crew and killed them, and all the gear stowed in the ceiling has fallen down and killed the rest, Khan decides to give up and blow up the torpedo thing he stole from the space station.

Spock saves the day by committing suicide (Spock KILLING HIMSELF is another slap in the face to Star Trek fans all over the world!), because everyone else is just sitting around the bridge acting morose over the fact they're going to die, rather than, you know, doing something about it. The torpedo thing blows up. I guess Kirk's kid did a real good job, because after the explosions, there's a planet AND a sun there! Yeah, you know, the device that was shown to be able to create explosions and fire on an EXISTING PLANET and turn it into an earth-like world... such a planet they searched for for SIX MONTHS, when all they needed to create both the planet AND its star from scratch was a nebula! Holy hole in the plot, Batman! And way to spit in the face of real science.

So Spock dies, Kirk's kid decides he loves his old man, and no one feels too sorry about all the cadets who were killed when their consoles blew sparks in their face and killed them, and everyone goes home. The end.

What a steaming pile of crap, written by hack amateurs, who have CLEARLY never seen Star Trek before and obviously do not CARE about the fan base or even about making a movie that makes sense or isn't filled with explosions for ADD kiddies. What a travesty!
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